Wednesday 11/6/12 12:00PM
CATSKILL PARK, NEW YORK – Many Americans across the country are still celebrating President Barack Obama’s victory in yesterday’s presidential election. One of these elated Americans lives near the Catskill Mountains, chronic napper Roy Van Winkle. “I’d never thought I’d live to see the day when a black man became President of the United States,” the scraggly and pungent man said with a yawn. According to local passersby Van Winkle has been asleep for a couple of decades. While Van Winkle doubted this claim, he admitted that he didn’t actually vote in the election, saying “I think I must’ve overslept over something…I was going to vote for Clinton though, he seems like a faithful husband. I didn’t even hear about this Osama guy but he sounds great!” The inherent asinine nature of his statements were soon explained to him, along with what he had missed since the 90s. Eyewitnesses say that some things and occurrences were wisely skipped over, among them were Lou Bega’s “Mambo Number 5,” the concept of reality television and anything and everything with the name Tyler Perry on it.