Does your husband disappear at any given moment and offer little to no explanation upon his return? Do you suspect that your family’s income is the result of unspeakable criminal activities? Fear not, ladies, for you are not alone. If you are looking to take back your life from your monster of a husband or just want to piss him off in very small ways, look no further than these shining examples of feminism under pressure. So let’s look at some tips from Boardwalk Empire, The Sopranos, Breaking Bad and The Godfather Part II to help you in your subtle rebellion.
***SOME SPOILERS AHEAD***
Tip #1: Steal from the Bastard
Whether your betrothed is a mafia boss, a crystal meth cook or a crooked city official, he’s got some cash saved up. If he doesn’t, why are you still married to the jerk!? Anyways he’s probably got a small federal reserve hidden under your mattress, beneath your crawlspace or in the garden supplies in the back yard. So start digging and start spending – the more absurd the purchase the better!
Tip #2: CHEAT!
Listen, your husband is more than likely breaking gratuitous amounts of laws while conducting his criminal business, you know this. Do you really think that he draws the line at infidelity? REALLY? So why don’t you meet yourself a nice gentleman who hopefully does not also kill people/sell drugs/has no soul and have a good time? Just make sure that your hubby doesn’t find out or your new beau might end up going through the meat grinder at Satriale’s Pork Store…
Tip #3: Throw Him Out
If you just can’t take his philandering any longer then it is time to show your lawfully wedded husband the door. The trouble is not getting him out, but keeping him out. Those criminal masterminds are a sneaky sort, and they tend to find loopholes around being kicked out of your home, mainly because they own the home. Pesky laws! If this is the case and you can’t seem to keep the mook out then I suggest the following more drastic measure…
Tip #4: Do Something CRAZY!
This is the thing that will really take the cake. Freak him the f*#@ out. Start smoking while you are pregnant, drink to excess or attempt to drown yourself in the pool out back. And if all else fails, tell him your last miscarriage was actually an abortion – that one will hit him where he lives. Depending on the severity on your craziness I would suggest that you have some bags packed and a place to stay. Also you might lose custody of your children…just a head’s up.