404 error: File Not Found? What the hell does that even mean? I click the refresh button at the corner of the browser three more times like an OCD-plagued personality, unconsciously going through their daily ritual. Not found? What does that even mean? This has got to be some sort of mistake. Do people even realize how many hits this site gets every day? Now what? How can I start my day without looking at one of my major morning social commentary blogs? I’ve got a very concise and precise website hit list that is updated daily and this one’s smack-dab in the middle, am I supposed to just skip over it? Where is the stability in that? It’s just gone all of a sudden, no goodbye, no weaning off period, just plain gone? No way, I don’t buy that for a second. Just need to go get me some coffee, and I’m sure the website’s creator will have fixed whatever problem was plaguing the blog by the time I get back.
What? It’s still not there? What is up with that? I keep thinking that if I turn away for a few minutes it might just pop back up and say “Surprise! April Fool’s came 9 months early, sucker!” But it doesn’t.
This is a freaking crime, that website was a satirical masterpiece! I mean, who took it off in the first place? The FBI? The FCC? The FDA?? It’s just gone, like it never existed at all. What happened to the guy who created it, did some omnipotent internet government demigod take him away too? Or her I guess; that would be so typical: a woman tries to speak her mind to the people and the man shuts her ass down. Self-righteous jackasses. What right do they have? 404 my ass, you know what they should 404? Twitter. I hate that crap. Tweeting? Come on, pick up the phone and talk to someone once in a while, have some real human interaction for chrissake. Sometimes technology really pisses me off, today especially. I’ve gone to the copy machine about 5 different times for one stupid report, and it keeps messing it up, what a piece of crap. Man that website is still gone, I’m gonna lose my freaking mind! Ah crap, the boss is coming over; I hate that guy, he is the WORST.
Freaking Twitter; if it were up to me, I’d get rid of Twitter, Facebook AND MySpace just to get my website back. Ok, I know nobody really uses MySpace anymore, but I was going for the Holy Trinity of Social Networks/Absurd time wasters.
I know what to do, I’ll start up my own online forum and then I’ll rally support from enough people to bring it back! Yeah, that’ll work. Please work? How do online petitions even work? Man I don’t know anything about the internet; how am I even allowed to own a computer? I’m a potential danger to myself and the entire internet! Dear internet deities of the URL and HTTP, if I brush up on my internet basics, will you please bring back one of my favorite websites of the day? Pleeeeeeeeease?
You’d think that a BLT from the sandwich shop on 4th and Main over would help, but not all of the greasy bacon disguised in vegetable clothing in the world could. How am I supposed to deal with this sort of tragedy, what’s the mourning process in this kind of situation? What are we blog surfing cynics going to do now? Maybe someone will make a tribute page or something, a virtual tombstone or obituary or something like that. It simply vanished, went up in smoke like one of those missing person ads on the milk carton they used to have. I’m not old enough to have actually seen one of those ads in person, but I’m not a moron.
I don’t feel like working at all. I’ve been mindlessly scrolling through page after page on Google, looking for nothing in particular. Ughh I have absolutely no motivation at all, and its not even 2 o’clock yet. I could get another cup of coffee, but that’ll just make me have to go to the bathroom all day. I could literally just sit at my desk all day in this waking coma; not doing anything at all. Blaaah.
It’s just so depressing. That’s just life I guess; cruel and unfair. Didn’t Sinatra or somebody say that? Sometimes I wish I would’ve been born back in Sinatra’s hay day. I probably would’ve been happier and way more successful. Though then I wouldn’t have the internet, and never known the joys of that website to begin with….man this day sucks.
4:00 PM, almost done with this godforsaken day. I don’t know what upsets me so much about this turn of events; my mom always said that I took disappointments pretty badly. Where do sites go when they’re “404’ed” anyways? Is there some database somewhere where some government guy sits behind his computer all day and laughs at all of the offensive jokes, libel publications and terrorist threats? Maybe I could get that job; probably not though.
How does one celebrate the life of something that was never alive in the first place? You can’t bury it, put it in an urn over the fireplace; I can’t even frame a screen shot of it. It can only live on through your memory; and even then, its life is fleeting. Dust in the wind…well maybe not THAT cliché; more like cyber-specs of dust in an endless gust of internet breezes. Yeah, that one was dumb too.
I guess I should put my childish desires beside and say goodbye. Farewell my website friend. May you take your final resting place in peace in some binary graveyard of ones, zeroes and more ones. You made me laugh cry and most of all, think. I send you off my comrade, and I wish you well.
I’ll really miss that website; I’m not sure work will be the same without it. It’s just that…holy crap this is AMAZING! An entire website dedicated to the daily conversations Adolf Hitler and Adolf Aikman have in hell! Bookmarked!